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23rd Psalm for Jazz Bassists. (from David Sayen)
The Lord is my drummer; I shall not rush.
He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places;
He leadeth me beside cool meter changes;
He restoreth my "one."
He leadeth me in the right repeats for His name's sake. Yea, though I
read through the trickiest road maps, I will fear no train wrecks;
For You are with it;
Your ride and Your snare, they comfort me.
You setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of mine guitarists;
You annointeth my lines with drive;
My groove overflows.
Surely good feel and swing will follow me All the tunes of each set, And I
will dwell in the pocket the whole gig long. Amen.
Curse of the bass player (compliments of Steve Goodson)
In the beginning there was a bass.
It was a Fender, probably a
Precision, but it could have been a Jazz -
nobody knows. Anyway, it was very
old ...definitely pre- C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and
saw that it was good. He saw that it was
very good in fact, and couldn't be
improved on at all (though men
would later try.)
And so He let it be and He created
a man to play the bass. and lo
the man looked upon the bass,
which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red,
and he loved it. He played upon
the open E string and the note
rang through the earth and
reverberated throughout the firmaments
(thus reverb came to be.)
And it was good. And God heard
that it was good and He smiled at his
handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the
man came to slap upon the bass. And lo
it was funky. And God heard this
funkiness and He said, "Go man, go."
And it was good. And more time
passed, and, having little else to
do, the man came to practice upon
the bass.
And lo, the man came to have upon
him a great set of chops. And he
did play faster and faster until
the notes rippled like a breeze
through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which
sounded something like the wind, which
had created earlier. It also
sounded something like the movement
of furniture, which He hadn't even
created yet, and He was not so
pleased.
And He spoke to the man, saying
"Don't do that!" Now the man heard the
voice of God, but he was so
excited about his new ability that he
slapped upon the bass a blizzard
of funky notes. And the heavens
shook with the sound, and the
Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of
the Angels started to dance, but
that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He
miss it - and lo He became
Bugged. And He spoke to the man,
and He said, "Listen man, if I
wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have
created the guitar. Stick to the
bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of
God, and he knew not to mess with it.
But now he had upon him a passion
for playing fast and high.
The man took the frets off of the
bass which God had created.
And the man did slide his fingers
upon the fretless fingerboard and play
melodies high upon' the neck.
And, in his excitement, the man
did forget the commandment of the
Lord, and he played a frenzy of
high melodies and blindingly fast licks.
And the heavens rocked with the
assault and the earth shook, rattled
and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His
voice was thunder as He spoke to the
man. And He said, "O.K. for you,
pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I
shall create a soprano saxophone
and it shall play higher than you
can even think of." "And from out
of the chaos I shall bring forth
the drums. And they shall play so
many notes thine head shall ache,
and I shall make you to always
stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall
create a stack of Marshall guitar amps
to make thine ears bleed. And I
shall send down upon the earth other
instruments, and lo, they shall
all be able to play higher and faster
than the bass." "And for all the
days of man, your curse shall be
this: that all the other musicians
shall look to you, the bass player,
for the low notes.
And if you play too high or fast
all the other musicians shall say "Wow"
but really they shall hate it. And
they shall tell you you're
ready for your solo career, and
find other bass players for their
bands.
And for all your days if you want
to play your fancy licks you
shall have to sneak them in like a
thief in the night." "And if you
finally do get to play a solo,
everyone shall leave the bandstand and go
to the bar for a drink."
And it was so.